I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
