when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
