I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
