yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
