Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
