whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
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