Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
