So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
