And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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