Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
