if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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