If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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