I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
so let's talk penis.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
