Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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