Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
