I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
