i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Randomize
