I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
