I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
