Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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