yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Pants are for mortals
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
