the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
