I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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