I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
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