; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
