I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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