Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
