Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
