If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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