I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
