i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
