btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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