There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
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