last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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