i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
if only i could text you this smell
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
