i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
he laminated a picture of his dick.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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