its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
