direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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