i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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