i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
