a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
