I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
