Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
