I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
