He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
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