I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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