dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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