I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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