What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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