thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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