I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
What a dumb baby whore.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
