I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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