he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Randomize
