She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
